The holidays, commonly celebrated as a time of celebration, solidarity, and belonging, present a unique challenge for families going through separation or divorce. For children whose parents have walked away, Christmas is filled with tradition and family-style festivities. For adults, it’s a devastating effect, but for children, it can be far more lasting.
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For children, Christmas is particularly emotional. They look forward to the ease of routine, the gift-giving, and the embrace of family traditions. Parents can be removed, and expectations can be shattered. Children might feel all sorts of emotions, from delusional and sad to angry and anxious.
Loss is the most natural response. Children can lament the lost family, having trouble finding their way to an uncluttered new life without holiday memories. Younger children may not have fully grasped what was going on and become confused or guilty of a different wrong, thinking they’re at fault. Teens, however, may be more frank in their feelings, sometimes angry or withdrawing.
The Tangled Web of Common Custody at the Holidays
The most difficult part of being separated for Christmas is dealing with shared custody. Deciding who gets to spend Christmas Day with the kids can be a delicate process for both parents, but it is thorny territory for the kids. Even if parents attempt to compensate for the disruption by showering children with gifts or overly costly games, stability and reassurance are exactly what children need.
Moving house to house every day can add logistical stress that eats away at the vacation. Children often experience this as a tug-of-war, whereby they have to control which parent they are loyal to. This experience can sap away their tolerance for partying and burden them emotionally.
Coping Strategies for Parents
Parents can reduce the stress of Christmas separations. Communication should be open and transparent. Explaining it in an age-appropriate way helps children realize what to expect. Reassure them that they have a right to their emotions and encourage them to voice their concerns or fears.
If you plan your holiday months ahead, this will give kids a sense of control. When it comes to Christmas Days or dividing the holidays into manageable pieces, consistency is essential. Even co-parents should take some time to sit with their kids together if they can, and let them know that no matter who they are, both parents value their joy.
New rituals can also provide a crucial way of preparing children for change. Baking cookies, binge-watching a favorite film, or doing Christmas crafts can bring continuity and belonging. New customs don’t override traditional ones, but instead demonstrate to children that joy and intimacy are still possible.
Supporting Children Emotionally
Not only is it logistically planned, but emotional reassurance is just as vital. Pay attention to your children’s emotional signals and remind them that they are loved and cared for, regardless of what happens. Stay in patterns as much as you can, because consistency can keep children grounded.
Professional assistance, such as therapy, is helpful for those children who are struggling to cope. A third-party can provide a safe place for children to feel their feelings, giving them coping skills that can be used throughout the year.
Making the Holidays a Positive Experience
While Christmas alone can be painful, it can also be an occasion for healing and resilience. By attending to the children’s emotional well-being and by cultivating a culture of mutual respect and partnership, parents can set a healthy example for dealing with adversity.
For most children, the Christmas season is not so much about splitting the clock but about being with their families. Ultimately, what’s important is not how the holidays are divided but whether children feel safe, accepted and loved.